The Tale of Gollum and Eden – Part 2 by Erik
(With apologies to JRR Tolkien)
And so Gollum did cross the wilderness once again and he endured much suffering and hunger but ever he clutched the box containing the potion that his mother had made for him. One night he befriended a small mangey dog and lay down with the dog, (but not in the Biblical sense as not even Gollum could stoop that low) he fell asleep to dream of Eden and the dog was grateful for the warmth of Gollum’s body but not of the smell and in the morning Gollum clubbed the dog then ate him and then he solved the riddle of how to make Eden drink the potion that had for so long gnawed at his mind. He would club her to render her senseless and then would he pour the potion down her pretty neck.
At this time the lady Sheila did go to Erik and say ‘My Lord, a feeling of great unease has come upon me, for are we not visited by bats and cockroaches and are not the dogs howling and the geese screaming in the night and is there not a plague of frogs upon the lawn and the sun blocked out by dark clouds ever crowned by lightning? I fear my brother has returned and draws near’. Then Erik said ‘You tell me what I have known myself these past few days, have I not been out at night with the sons of Polycarpo to trap this vile creature that we name not? I would catch him and slay him with my own hands’. Then the lady Sheila said ‘You are wise and just my Lord, but I would bid you spare he whom we do not now name and merely banish him to Canada where some of my kinfolks dwell even though it be cold and cockfighting is banned’? Then Erik said ‘I will do as you bid, fair lady, for I would not see you grieve even for one so low and putrid’. Then Erik sent for a Scout Ranger of high repute. ‘You shall aggressively patrol the perimeter and find the drunken half man-half beast that looketh like a demented stick insect and stinks like the arse of a dead carabao’ but the Scout Ranger was confused as he knew many fitting such a description and so a photograph was found and the Scout Ranger was loathed to look long on the image (see appendix A). Then Erik did ask the Scout Ranger if he could read a map but the Captain replied that in the Land of Many Islands only Colonels could read maps for if Captains could read maps the colonels would fear for their jobs so Erik dismissed the Captain saying ‘Get thee gone from my land, I will find the scrawny maggot myself’ But Gollum was not found for he was already hiding in the septic tank.
That night Gollum stood in the pale moonlight outside Eden’s window and he had washed and he had cut his hair and wore a new white T-shirt (imported), shorts (branded) and new slippers (stolen). Behind his ear, he wore a white Gumamela flower. And he croaked calling to Eden. And she came and stood on her balcony and looked down at Gollum with contempt. The Gollum pleaded with Eden to marry him or he would hang himself in his despair if she refused him. But Eden said ‘I would make thee a rope and rejoice to see thee dangle from it’ and Gollum said ‘If it were made by your fair hands I would willingly put my head in the noose and draw it tight to be near thee even at my last breath’ and then he sang Eden a love song (see appendix B).
Then Eden became confused for no man had serenaded her before not even he to whom she had been promised because owning his tricycle and having a six-pack he had thought himself God’s Gift to the village and Eden looked with Pity on Gollum. Then Gollum felt remorse and said ‘But I do not choose now to do what I came to do. I will not do this deed’. And he told Eden of his plan to club her and pour his mother’s potion down her fair neck but he told her also of another plan – a plan to buy a piglet and grow it and sell it and then buy 2 piglets and grow them and sell them and then buy 4 and then 8 and then 16 and then 32 and then 100 for arithmetic was not his strong suit. But Eden was impressed for every maiden in that land knows how to multiply and besides, had he to whom she had been promised ever multiplied his tricycle even on paper or with a calculating device? But she bid Gollum return the next day at the same hour and she threw Gollum a fish and Gollum went back to the septic tank but he left the potion in the moonlight.
That night Eden had a dream in which she stood like a queen surrounded by thousands of pigs with Gollum crouching by her side and in the morning she awoke with a plan and all through the day her desire for Gollum had grown until her pussy started to itch. When at last she heard Gollum call her name she bid him to climb up to her bedchamber and ordered him to undress and she saw his 24 inches sunken chest and thought him manly and she looked with lust upon his scrawny legs and thought them mighty and she looked upon his teeny todger and thought it a jumbo sausage and said ‘OMG is that all for me?’ and then she threw him down onto her bed for Eden had gone into the garden that morning and she did drink the potion thinking only of the pigs and how her neighbours would be envious and now her mind was full of lust and she gave herself to him who had coveted her for so long and their rutting was alike to jungle beasts.
In the morning Eden proudly announced that she had accepted Gollum’s proposal and Gollum asked her for the money to buy the first pig and Polycarpo wept like a girl and his wife began to wail and gnash her teeth and tear at her hair and Eden’s brothers thought dark thoughts of murdering Gollum where he crouched but Erik and the lady Sheila were greatly saddened for being wise they knew that no good would come of this union but to protest was futile but the Lady Sheila knew that only by a witch’s potion would any woman take Gollum and thus did she understand where Gollum had been these log months for only her mother the witch of SIlay could make such a potion and she knew not any counterspell. But Gollum and Eden were wed on a summers day and nine months later a baby was born and she was named Gremlin Gollum but far away the witch of Silay City sat in her dark lair and chuckled and cackled to herself while she stroked her black cat and then she spat on the floor and laughed out loud for she knew that the potion would last but one year and a day and not one minute longer and that one morning Eden would wake next to the horror that she had married and she would deeply regret her choice and as a living nightmare would her life be. But of this bitter time, this tale does not tell for it has yet to pass although the hour approaches fast unlike the multiplying of Gollum’s pigs which the wise have said will never happen until pigs learn to fly.