The Tale Of Gollum and Eden Part 1 by Erik
(with apologies to JRR Tolkien)
And it came to pass that Erik being of the race of kanos from a land called England in America arrived in the Land of Many Islands in a great white ship bourne upon the wings of a storm and stepping ashore cried aloud ‘Out of the Great Sea I have come. In this place shall I abide with my heirs unto the ending of the world’.
And he did take a house by the sea to dwell there with his wife, Sheila. There came a time when Sheila came to Erik and said ‘My Lord, it is many long months since you promised me a gazebo where we could could sit and watch the sunsets together and make our neighbours jealous’ and Erik seeing that his wife was a woman both stern of will and proud said ‘Dear lady, a carpenter shall be sent for in the morning and you shall have your gazebo and may it be a blessed place and the wonder of the world’. In the morning heralds were sent forth and the finest carpenter in the land was sought and found and he did labour long in his task but eventually, his work was done and his work was much admired by everyone in the village. At that time he did request his daughter – having seen 17 summers and a graduate of a school most high – be employed as a handmaiden to the lady Sheila and so she was sent for. Seeing her comely form, willingness, tight shorts, pleasing smile and the fact she knew more than 10 words of English and had her own teeth she was accepted into The Last Homely House by the sea. And her father was proud, for Eden, his daughter was but an innocent maiden as yet unsullied by man and he did hope to marry her off to one of the race of Kanos and thereby better himself and keep him in the manner to which he aspired.
But after one year during a night of thunder and lightning, hail and wind Gollum the brother of Sheila did arrive at the House by the Sea and he was wet and starving and he stank. Food and drink he demanded, especially drink, and he was given a bed in the garage with the dogs. And in the morning he rose from the bed that he had wet and he stumbled into the garden and there sweeping the falling leaves he first beheld Eden, as if in a sweet dream, fair above all the jewels of the world he thought her and he lusted after her. But Eden glanced up from her work as one afraid and knew not why until she saw Gollum standing ogling her with his tongue hanging out, licking his lips and playing pocket billiards and she thought him vile and low and yet she pitied him.
And Gollum being overborne with lust did attempt to kiss Eden and mount her in the manner of beasts but Gollum was overmatched for Eden was the child of a Polycarpo the carpenter while Gollum was but a scrawny little runt. ‘Down, down I say’ she cried ‘down and crawl on your belly, snake, do you not know I am promised to another, a man of just 22 summers yet he has his own tricycle, dost thou own such a chariot’? Then Gollum felt ashamed and took from his shorts his most prized possessions, a matchbox containing his pet spider and he did offer it to Eden on his bended knee saying ‘I love thee, and would wed with thee and rut with thee like a wild animal even in a manner not quite legal’ but she accepted it not saying ‘to no man shall I be wed unless he be a man that owneth his own tricycle, a new one mind, not some old piece of crap, and you must bestow lavish gifts upon my family, no less than 200 cigarettes and 5 bottles of Tanduay Long Neck for my father and a new piece of corrugated tin for our roof and one of those tiny little toilets and a new washing machine for my mother that she be the envy of our village’. And Gollum did swoon and fall into a black despair as the enormity of his task sunk in at last. And so eventually crawling back into his dark pit and soggy bed he blubbed like a baby at the unfairness of the world long into the night but in the morning as the first cock crowed and the first light began to glimmer in the East Gollum, at last, had an idea ‘She might help, yes she might and then I will have my precious’. And in the morning he was gone.