The Tale of Gollum and Eden – Part 2 by Erik
(With apologies to JRR Tolkien)
When it was discovered Gollum had fled the house by the sea a great blackness was lifted from Eden’s heart and she did thank the Blessed Virgin Mary to whom she prayed long into the dark night. Then Polycarpo the carpenter said ‘Beloved daughter, you have been saved from a fate worse than death if only half your tale be true’ but her mother who was far-sighted and who could talk with the spirit world said ‘have I not dreamt every night these past years that our daughter would marry a snivelling little runt and that great evil will befall our family?’ But Eden said ‘Why then would I marry this man, if a man he truly is, that looketh like a bent stick insect with a sneering face and not so much as a chicken feet sandwich in his pocket? Why the last time I saw legs like his they were hanging out of a bird’s nest’! Then was Polycarpo proud of his daughter but her mother became silent for a great dread had fallen upon her.
But Gollum now walked in the wilderness and he did shun both sun and moon and he would travel by dead of night under dark clouds. Like a shadow he became and he caught frogs in slimy pools and ate their legs while they yet breathed and he would suck out their eyes and he stole chickens and butchered small dogs and sometimes when his hunger was great he slipped through dark windows to find cradles.
For weeks he walked alone and he was shunned by anyone that saw him for he was unwashed and his stench went before him and his eyes stared and all the while he thought of Eden, of holding her fair hand and kissing her sweet lips and even her mouth. Then finally one evening he did come to the place from whence he was spawned and we went quickly to the family ancestral shack and he did ignore the stares and the jeers of those to whom he owed money and favours and promises. For the ‘she’ referred to in the first instalment of this tale was his mother, the infamous witch of Silay City and being a pitiful mummy’s boy he cast himself down at her feet and did wail and whine and sob like a girl but she comforted him not saying ‘get up,fool, are you not a man full grown and nearly twice the age of this young strumpet’? But Gollum would hear no word against the woman of his dreams. True he had bagged a few trollops in his time after they were passed out cold upon the dirt floor of his pit but Eden was a virgin and few now existed in that land.
Then Gollum pleaded with his mother to cast a spell upon Eden so that she might love him and desire him and lust after him and he asked if such a spell were possible ‘Fool’, she cried and she kicked him hard, ‘do you not know that I graduated Magna Cum laude from a 4 year course in Witchcraft and Embezzlement at Siquijor University? I will make thee a potion that once drunk will make her lust after thee. Did I not make such a potion for your sister that she might trap that worthless kano? Then Gollum kissed his mother tenderly but without slipping his tongue in as was his habit.
All-day and all night the witch of Silay laboured, rats were trapped, snakes were caught, bats were netted and there was much chopping and grinding and blending of different foul ingredients and then there was a period of incantations, mad cackling, ritual and much beseeching and grovelling to the Dark Lord Himself. A fire was lit and a cauldron was made ready. The ingredients, some of them still living, were poured into the pot and special unholy water, being water from the tap, was added with much ceremony until boiling and then left to simmer until the New Moon had come.
Then the witch called her son and said that all was prepared for the final stage. ‘The potion must be poured through an item of the wench’s clothing’ she cackled. ‘Have ye such a garment, fool’? Then did Gollum remove Eden’s used panties that he had worn through all the leagues of wilderness and with one last sniff he handed them reverently to his mother. At last the potion was ready and it was bottled and sealed and stored in a special box and taking leave of his mother with the panties upon his head to ward off evil spirits Gollum set off once again with his eyes staring and his tongue lolling out and the rumour of his passing was like the whispering of fear.
Don’t miss the third and final part – The Return of the Gollum – coming soon.